CHAPTER 1
ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS OF DIVORCE
Recently in the Cheatham County Tennessee jail I read a biography of Abraham Lincoln by William M. Thayer. During Lincoln’s early legal career a man asked Lincoln to take his case. After getting the facts “Honest Abe” wouldn’t accept it.
The man replied, “Well, you can make trouble for the fellow.”
“Yes,” responded Lincoln, “there is no reasonable doubt but that I can gain the case for you. I can set a whole neighborhood at loggerheads; I can distress a widowed mother and her six fatherless children, and thereby get for you six hundred dollars, which rightfully belongs as much to the woman and her children as it does you. But I won’t do it.”
“Not for any amount of pay?” inquired the man.
“Not for all you are worth,” replied Lincoln. “You must remember that some things which are legally right are not morally right. I shall not take your case.”
Do you know? You can dot every “I” and cross every “T”. You can wave legal papers in the air, but that won’t motivate a human to your way of thinking, at least not for long. You can have a golden voice from heaven and bear an angelic countenance. You can sing about love and grace, and it can sound beautiful. But when love and grace are actually given is when beauty really resonates and radiates. Want to motivate a human in a positive way? Give love and grace, especially if someone asks for it.
Divorce is heartbreaking enough, but certain attitudes and actions can make it unnecessarily torturing. Superior attitudes and power actions deplete physical strength, emotional energy, and spiritual stability for both parties; productivity is grossly handicapped; no one prospers; no one is liberated; no one is at peace; along the way financial advancement stagnates. (It’s hard to make money carrying these burdens; it’s hard to give it, too, when demanded in a dehumanizing manner.) Thus, the results are diminishing returns and increased agony.
Julianne Elaine Thomas Hannaford is standing on legal ground, but considering the human toll and tarnishing, (not just to me, but also to her) one could ask, “Isn’t the ground soft and mushy?” There is a higher ground to be attained that is much more firm and beneficial. It’s also more enduring. There is a cost, however! As the famous prayer states, “…it is in giving that we receive” (like love and grace); “it is in pardoning that we are pardoned…” (like living life freely and with peace). One may have every right to be angry. But, one does not have the right to be cruel?
I’m well aware that I am not a righteous man; I make many mistakes and have failures. I acknowledge who I am. I wish I weren’t that way, but the truth is: I am! I aspire to be a better man! But, I tell you! Holding a symbolic gun to my head and saying, “Sing me a song, Boy, and while you’re at it, dance me a jig, too,” will not make a better man. It will not better an attitude and will not better produce results.
Since 2001, unjustified dispersions have been cast upon me by various and sundry acts, not to mention what has been said and told. The worst has been assumed: that I’m avoiding work, that I’m trying to take advantage, that I’m scamming, or whatever…all totally untrue. With ardent determination, my ex-wife and former “best friend,” has been—intentionally or not—an agent of destruction. But in her destruction, no doubt, she has probably lost more than she has gained: financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. I have been knocked down a number of times, but the efforts haven’t totally destructed me. It grieves my soul that my former best friend has tried; that’s the worse part of it…that she has tried. Not in a thousand years could I imagine her allowing such acts and attitudes to comprise her being, much less carry them out. It’s extremely hurtful; it’s ineffective; it’s wrong.
Actions taken against me have been intentional, premeditated, and at times, very deceptive…as a first resort, not as a last. (I have illustrations to detail in future writings.) These actions have been done without warning, discourse, or even simple social courtesy, although everything has been very righteously legal. Neither has any reasonable mercy, or even consideration, been given regarding another person’s human condition. Seemingly, the “other person” has really not mattered. In other words, one has been willing to tear another person down, in order to build oneself up. Isn’t that mushy ground to stand on just in a secular humanistic way, not to mention in a Christian way?
Julianne unilaterally made a decision to walk out of our marriage. Obviously, she had strong reasons in her mind; maybe, completely justified. Divorce wasn’t my idea; never suggested it; never hinted at it; never wanted it; couldn’t believe it; and tried in a kind and gentle way to talk her out of it, even as I helped move bed railings down the hall.
(You see…I was ambushed! I just happened—accidentally—to catch her moving surreptitiously one bedroom’s furniture out of the house. She thought I was going to be out of town, but my plans changed. With her friends’ truck backed up to the front door, I surprised her. I was surprised, myself! She had left a week prior, going to the same friends’ house and saying she needed some time and space. I thought she would be coming back after she sorted things out. Tell you the truth; I didn’t know what was going on with her; we had just returned from my father’s funeral a day or two prior. I certainly didn’t realize the intensity of her feelings. I tried talking her out of this withdrawal, but with no success; however, there wasn’t a big scene made. To her credit, at least, she had communicated. I can respect that. One week later, while guiding bed railings down the hall, I was once again persuasively asking in soft, whispered tones, “Julianne, why are you doing this?” I honestly could not believe it! How could she communicate one week, but the next, she was moving secretly?)
This surreptitious move was the first of multiple deceptive acts to follow (will describe in future writings). I can’t begin to tell you how hurtful that was. After just losing my Dad, I literally stood on my front porch and waved good-bye to my family as they drove off. That was the last day I have been in the presence of my daughter, February, 2001. My friends, I ask, “If you have justified reasons, and are secure in a decision, why would you have to work in the shadows? What was built up in a mind? Such actions breed and give birth to contempt.
I have used this analogy before and I will use it again: whatever issues Julianne, had with me, rather than sniping these squirrel issues out of the tree one by one, day in—day out, year by year, living by her sacred vow of “for better or for worse,” a bomb was set off and blew up the whole tree. The whole neighborhood received collateral damage, too. I call that destruction. I didn’t at the time, and still don’t believe divorce was a justified remedy, but maybe I’m wrong. Obviously, Julianne was unhappy. I’m so sorry! But, if it had to be, there is a right way and a wrong way to divorce; it’s not only about legal entities and laws; there are still human conditions involved, too. (Having nothing to do with me, it should also be noted: this is not the first marriage Julianne has walked out on.)
You know…I believe in getting down “in the mud, blood, and beer,” and haggling it out, reaching consensus, making apologies, etc. and move on loving each other. Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with that? Just because one haggles passionately does not mean one is evil or dangerous. Why do actions have to take place to manipulate one to some sort of prescribed behavior that the manipulator wants? That never works! To me, that bespeaks of total insecurity. You gotta win the heart and mind, not manipulate through force or deception. Sometimes that takes countless and relentless efforts. You never say, “Never!”
I profoundly admit, I own up to it, I contributed to our failed marriage in a number of ways. I am not blameless, far from it, (will describe in detail in future writings). How can I say it stronger and more contritely? I’m very sorry and sadden. I’m not sucking up; I’m truly sorry! But I have not done anything so egregious to deserve the treatment I’ve received before or after a divorce decision was made.
Reasonable minded people will understand: in fairness to this situation, there should be other considerations. Divorce is not a one-sided operation; it is a two story house. Julianne’s own psychological insecurities and mistaken perceptions of reality contributed in this failed marriage, as well. (will describe in future writings). Just the actions and attitudes during and following divorce support that statement. Truthfully, those conditions were present long before she ever met me. They were not readily seen in her public and social persona.
(Everyone loves and adores Julianne, and well they should! I did, too! She is an awesome and inspiring woman…and still is, I’m sure. No way that she is an evil person, but she has been misguided in the prosecution of divorce and afterwards. I’m sorry for being the “bad guy” for suggesting something negative about her. It is not done with malice! The point HAS to be made to get to the heart of the matter. There are extreme consequences in play that reach to so many people. All of us have our “thangs;” nobody is perfect and divorce is definitely a two story, two people house.)
During the tenure of our marriage, I became familiar with these insecurities and mistaken perceptions. I tried to, or at least, wanted to deal with them effectively. Since we were married almost 20 yrs., I suppose I succeeded somewhat. (She had to deal with me and my ways, too, which wasn’t easy, I know.) But really, as the results show, I could have been better. I’m sure I exacerbated her insecurities. I’m very sorry! My wrongs were done in ignorance and were never intentional. I wish I could have been better then. I wish I could provide what she wants of me now.
The point is: “neither one of us is better or worse than the other.” If we could embrace this attitude, the tensions we face now could be more readily reconciled. By not embracing such an attitude our situation gives way to: superiority, non-communication, deception, and blind recognition that the other party is a human being. There is a better and best way to divorce.
An awesome woman walked out of the door by her own solo decision. She hired herself an aggressive lawyer, and then immediately assumed a calloused and condescending attitude. Her attitude proclaimed, “You (meaning me) have been a bad, bad boy; you need to pay me money.” It wasn’t what was being said, but the way it was being said…in attitude.
When one assumes that kind of attitude and then implements deceitful and manipulative actions, credibility for walking out is lost? When one has to use power and deception, especially as a first resort, to justify a decision, this is either the characteristic of insecurity or a display of toxic hate. Power plays may be effective at first, but just like a child grows out of being spanked: over time, punitive power measures become less and less effective.
If one is truly secure or doesn’t possess toxic hate, one would be willing to communicate and reason respectfully with the other side. But Julianne, you have not been able to do that, or you have not been advised. Some would say that may be smart; many others would say, “Someone isn’t secure in her position.” The real results speak loudly: “It is minimally effective; it produces added torment!”
How intimidating can an email be? What’s wrong with talking on the phone, if you are not secure enough to meet face to face? I know those who have had the bitterest of bitter divorces, but who still communicate.
Rather than respectful engagement, an attitude has been embraced from the “git-go” of “rule by the sword—take no prisoners.” Who advised? Results talk! A child grows up! Such an attitude in any context brings negative results! Wouldn’t the “power of persuasion” be better than the “persuasion of power?”
Therefore, after making her unilateral decision, Julianne hasn’t just moved out and moved on. She has gone after a person unable to pay enough, who basically has no assets. It is extremely embarrassing for him to reveal publicly: his net worth financially is so meager—maybe even negative—that most people would not believe it. He works extremely hard; he is not lazy. His income is very modest. He does not live a high-flying life style.
He just has never been able to convert his intelligence and talents into great financial gain. Although he has been at least efficient, if not proficient, in a number of arenas, financial gain has not been his forte. This truly makes him angry at himself; he doesn’t understand why. You might say, its like, he is financially dyslexic. It’s natural for most everybody else in the world to learn; for many, making money comes with little effort; everything they touch turns to gold. Nobody can understand why this man can’t acquire more and they point fingers in condemnation. This is just like a dyslexic child who is made fun of in reading class at school. The kid is trying, but can’t perform. That’s the way he feels.
(It should be acknowledged that Julianne and her family have been under financial sacrifice since the divorce, too. Julianne is inflicted with muscular dystrophy, which prevents her from working. She gets Social Security Disability payments. Our daughter, Elise, now 24 yrs. old, was under Julianne’s custody from the start. The expense has been great, I’m sure. I care about both of them. I would love to be able to support them fully. I would love to have communication. But, I have not been able to have either. I have been disparaged and sent to jail for it, too. My friends, not to be flippant, but if there is no toothpaste in the tube, it doesn’t matter how hard you squeeze, there ain’t no mo’ gonna come out!)
My former best friend has gone after her former husband of almost 20 yrs., who gave her the best years of his life. This fact, I know doesn’t have legal merit; seems like it is worthy of some consideration, though. Its unworthiness is dehumanizing; doesn’t help motivation, and certainly defines a distinct attitude prevalent for so long.
Only dollar signs have been in her eyes. But yet, any money she has received since 2001 has never been acknowledged in any way to the giver, not one time. It’s like it came out of a machine somewhere with no human link, toil, and sacrifice. (Really motivates one to pay up, doesn’t it!) It’s just another way to dehumanize. So disappointing!
Still, he desires to be honorable and noble; he has always wanted to PAY her in whatever way he could. He has REPEATEDLY STATED to her in writing; he has REPEATEDLY STATED in court. Because he has been unable to pay as much as she wants, she has assumed that he’s intentionally taking advantage. That’s a wrong assumption. When he has tried to explain, he has been ignored. All he hears through actions and attitudes is: ‘Pay me, pay me, pay me! It says right here on paper that you are to pay me! If you don’t, then, I’m going to send you to jail.” He has some money, but not enough; so, he goes to jail. “You must remember that some things which are legally right are not morally right.”
Julianne, if you don’t want to love or live with me, please, I wouldn’t want you to torture yourself. But, please, just leave me alone, if you can’t relate to me any better than you have. If you can relate better, then, I’m all ears and ready to respond respectfully and sacrificially, but please, drop the symbolic gun and drop the negative attitude. Let’s do something positive for a change!
I hate, hate, hate going public. It’s extremely embarrassing for me, as well as Julianne. But…what am I to do? Julianne won’t engage privately, but has not hesitated at all to go public through the court system. The court has been her first choice on a list of one; dialogue and communication has been blackballed from the list. Don’t even think about grace! It doesn’t exist.
Julianne, I don’t mean to sound condescending, but you’re too good of a woman. Don’t you think that you either besmirching yourself, or are letting others besmirch you through well intended, but misguided advice? Please, don’t accuse me! My God, with all the past appeals, and even now, I have tried to lead us to the—so to speak—“promise land” of peace and satisfaction. But you have been blinded by hate, or either, imprisoned by advice received. I have wanted to lift you up in the meager way that I can, not besmirch you! I’ve wanted to turn “our conflict into constructive cooperation, our fight into a feast.” (Power Life Bible) It’s hard, though, when you keep knocking me down, and keep tying one hand behind my back.
Whether Julianne has personally acted, or another has in her name, the “buck stops with Julianne.” She is the Commander-In-Chief of this war. It’s her name, legacy, and responsibility. Julianne’s lawyer just does his job as he has been taught in law school. His vision is narrow; his world view is only in legal terms; he just wants to win a legal case without regard to any human toll on the other side. In so doing he feels he is serving his client well. But is he? Is he really? “You must remember that some things which are legally right are not morally right.”
Is this the conflict resolution method you want to pass on to Elise, or to others who are watching? Is it effective? I ask again: “Is the persuasion of power really better than the power of persuasion?”
To those of us who claim to be Christians, is this the way we, Christians, deal with each other? For that matter, is this the way we, Christians, deal with our enemies? Is this walking the extra mile, or is this casting the first stone?
Within a week after the July, 2009, court date, I committed to living no more under the tyranny that has pervaded my life since 2001. For 8-9 yrs. now, I have lived under a tyranny of deception, ambushes, rejections, and always with the ever present symbolic gun pointed at my head i.e. “Pay up, or you’re going to jail!” This amounts to legal extortion. It would be one thing, if I have had a belligerent heart, but I haven’t. Now, I do! There is a limit! Because I have literally been treated as an ATM machine, not as a human being, I now tell the world publicly, “No more!”
I have managed through prayer, and mustered through faith, (it’s been difficult) to have the right heart, despite the condescension and dehumanization I have received. I don’t think I deserve Julianne’s attitude and actions, including going to debtor’s jail!
Not being flippant, but during the one year and two months of weekend incarceration, (60 weekends—only missing one with permission due to snow; never late one time; described by guards as a “model prisoner.) I have learned by experience that my mind and spirit are free in jail; there is no tyranny. As crazy as it may sound, my body may be walled in, but my spirit is liberated. I’ve had inmates say, “What are you doing in here? You don’t seem like the jail type.” The guards and I have a mutual respect, almost like a friendship. I can tell; they know what kind of person I am.
There is no more shock, stigma, or shame. This is another reason why I’m going public with this communication; I don’t mean to be prideful, but I’m not ashamed. I stand on the mountaintop and proclaim to the world that I am an imperfect man, but I guarantee you, my heart has been right, and wants to be again. Right now this old heart is pretty doggone cold.
On March 12, 2010, in the Chancery Court of Cheatham County before the Honorable, Chancellor Robert E. Burch, I expect to have my last hour of bodily freedom for a long time to come. If the plaintiff, Julianne Elaine Thomas Hannaford, doesn’t beseech the court, then, the court has no choice; it has a job to do. I am intentionally guilty of “Criminal Contempt of Court” since I have not made any payments to Julianne since the last court date. I’m guilty because of principle, not for any disrespect of the court itself.
If someone has to lose in court, then nobody wins! Not just us individually, or our immediate families, but also, our friends, the Christian community, and even society at large. I dare say even the Judge and the court loses, because nothing has been cured; only a band-aid has been placed on a cancer.
Therefore, not being heroic, I am prepared to assume the life style of a monk, the simple life where I will read, study, and write in jail every day, not just on weekends. Paraphrasing out of Sarah Palin’s book, “I may not eat well, but I can sleep well.” I am free of tyranny and my conscience is clear. A monkish lifestyle is not my first choice. I do take it seriously, but my attitude is: “Bloom where you are planted.” Again from Palin’s book she quoted Charles Swindoll: “I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% how I react to it…” I know who I am; I know the content of my heart; and I know the God I try to glorify.
This communication is a declaration, not an appeal! So help me, God, place my hand on the Bible, there is no anger here. It is simply an unemotionally stated conviction. Making this declaration is dismally disheartening, and could be avoided. However, to “go along to get along” is simply not in my heart of hearts anymore. What happens to me…well…happens. I’m not trying to be a hero, but for the greater good, there needs to be a statement and a stand made; there is something more important than my immediate personal comfort.
Stated with deep rooted and sustainable conviction, here is my declaration:
Because of the conditions and attitudes that prevail, I can no longer willingly give Julianne anything. Come take whatever you want from me, but you and yours will have to come and physically take it. I will tell my story, but I won’t fight. Do with me as you wish, but I am resolved. I am not interested in buying my way out of jail, now or in the future. But, I do openly and honestly declare that I have a compassionate desire to help and support Julianne (and Elise) as best I can, but it must be without threat and incarceration while giving communicative human respect. There are many witnesses here; my integrity is on the line.
If I were to continue making payments, the attitudes and actions that have been used since the onset of divorce would be reinforced as worthy and good. Those same attitudes and actions would then be used on another day, either against me, or against someone else. They would be used by others who have observed. (The truth is: they probably will be used anyway…but not with my encouragement.) The dictates of my soul will simply not allow supporting such actions.
Furthermore, it is my belief that the ways and means manifested in this divorce process are not Christ-like, therefore hurt the Christian cause. It is my belief that Christians everywhere aware of this situation are troubled with what has come to pass. It needs to be reconciled.
The court and legalism can only go so far. There is an incumbent higher calling in our particular case that legalism cannot address. Until toxic hate is purged, mutual respect is given, and communication occurs personally, not through legal tools and representatives, will there be any celebration. Likewise, until the court dismisses this case will peace reside.
No more will I allow my humanity and dignity to be taken from me. You take a man’s humanity and dignity from him, then, he is left with nothing. What the taker doesn’t realize is: the taker is left with nothing, too.
“You must remember that some things which are legally right are not morally right.”
I’m not asking for anything! If you ever want to reconsider a different approach and remedy, that would be positive. My door, my heart, and my respect always remain open. I’m not asking for anything, however. Do as you will.
This is a tragic story, sadder than it should be. I’m sorry I have to share it, but I feel compelled to let the truth be known. Hopefully, it is for the greater good. Regardless, one way or the other, this tyranny is over.
My goodness, there are a whole lot of people worse off than Julianne and I. Our problems are miniscule. With this reflection we can put things in perspective and know blessings are abundant, life is a gift given from a merciful and loving Creator, and all things can work for good.
May peace and blessings abide! May we all bloom where we are planted!
